Joy comes in the morning {mourning}

So we're unpacked, mostly.

My clothes are still in boxes, because well we're at that awkward in between season stage and quite frankly I am not sure which clothes to unpack and which to put in storage, so for now we live out of boxes, hampers and a few randomly hung articles of clothing.

Monroe's room, painted and set-up. Living room painted and set up. Dining room painted and halfway set up (we need to get some chairs to go with the free retro table we scored, may have something lined up for that). Our room is painted and well the boxes of close as previously discussed. Kitchen is unpacked and has suitably had the eat in kitchen table become a dumping ground for random important paperwork, bills and other papers that come in after moving.

It's coming together, and if I am to be honest I don't miss our old house. I miss our church, our neighbors & our friends. I find some disconnect in relating that I lived in that house for nearly 5 years, maybe because our new house seems so us? It fits us perfectly, the amount of space, the character, our furniture even fits in, in a fabulous way if I may say so myself.

The transition back to a full-time marriage and both parenting full-time has been a bit slower, you see me and Monroe sorted through some stuff these last 3 months, his routine slightly changed, we figured out a few new signals which I neglected to share with Paul. But we're working through that, we're sorting through the new and old and figuring out ways to make it work. I feel like our marriage has turned a huge corner, one where it started needing work, not just working like it used to. Interesting how that happens. Just as Monroe slightly changed in these last few months, so has our marriage.

On Monday I am doing two days of training for a private contracting position, this makes me nervous. I haven't worked in over 16 months, and the idea of my safe routine with roe changing yet again makes my heart feel a little funny.

That said my Aunt Jackie has lovingly stepped up to help watch him during my training and that makes me feel a lot better knowing how much she loves my roe and how much she'll take care of him! The support, love and encouragement of our friends and family here has been amazing and I even started attending a new mama's group.

Roe just awoke and off I go.

Love to you & yours.
b.

Farewell

I've mentioned before how very thankful I am for the amazing support and love for the last year plus of the mama's I've met at Red Tent. There were also a few friends outside of this group, mostly from church who've been very supportive, helpful and when we were dealing with the rush to list our house, they helped out and stepped up.

Now that we're moving in a week (wow), it seems that some people are dealing with it in very odd ways. A fellow mom yesterday publicly questioned why I needed someone to watch Monroe while we moved. Pardon? Then questioned what type of wife I was as I have mentioned how much we miss having my husband and Monroe's daddy around.

Which brings me to the question, how come people feel that everyone needs to parent in the same way? Have relationships in the same way?

We are all different and therefore bring up different people, if we all raised our children in the exact same way (I am not just talking vaccination here folks) then it would indeed be a very boring world. We all have differences of opinion, I like to think that most of us have tact as well.

Mom to mom, provide love and support to one another, don't judge my/our need for support, or that I/we are willing to ask for it. If you don't think you need it great (but this doesn't make anyone better or worse), and gives you absolutely no right to judge. But I do need support, and I am willing to ask for it.

b.

I need to write a blog post,

but I am utterly overwhelmed with packing up our life to move in 15 days.

Also,

Here's my reminder to support my husband's hometown and what feels like my hometown a little too (and is coincidentally right next door to where my parents moved 6 years ago). Goderich was hit by an F3 Tornado on August 21, 2011. They need your support to get back on their feet and return this gorgeous town to its former glory.
check out www.goderich.ca

{Those wishing to make a financial donation to the Goderich Disaster Relief Fund, can do so at any Chartered Bank and the Goderich Community Credit Union. Other donations (food, clothing etc or to volunteer) please contact 211. If you are calling long distance please call 1-866-743-7818.}

on expansion

So if I were still on a mat leave, mine would be up by now with all the time taken for health issues.
I'd be prepping for going back to work and feeling unsure about it. Which is exactly how I feel. We decided to make sacrifices for the first year of monroe's life and then back to the grind until babe #2.

Thing is I have no idea where I want to work, how many days per week, how much I can stand him being with someone else during the day, or how much I'll appreciate my time alone?

I have a few friends who had their babes around a year ago, who are now announcing pregnancies, and I can't help but feel a little like I'd like to join them there. We still want a large family and are excited to expand. But it is not time yet. Due to all of the issues with my previous pregnancy we've been given a strict timeline on future pregnancies and I am finding it really hard to come to terms with right now.

I think a lot of it has to do with this amazingly interactive smiley, happy beautiful little man  that I get to hang-out with daily. Watching him interact with other children makes me want them even more knowing how well he'll react to them.

Timeline is still in place and I am dealing with that, just thought I'd be a little honest about how I feel about this in this moment.
b.

Single Parenting.

It's been a bit since my last post. That is because our world got turned upside down and right now I'd say we're halfway to it being full righted.

Our situation was very similar to many families with a babe under one in Canada. I was staying at home with our babe and the hubs was our sole income (my mat leave expired in January). We had budgeted and given up many things and worked hard to be able to allow our son his first year at home with his mama.

and then...

My husband after nearly 4 years with a company, was let go.

No reason given, just advised that they were re-structuring.

We were given roughly 7 weeks severance. 7 weeks. That is it.

Cue breakdown on my part, him reassuring me things would work out, and so far they've been righting themselves rapidly. You see he'd been interviewing for a new job a week before this little bombshell. We were unsure of whether or not to take it, as it involved a big move. Than our decision was made for us. Very straightforward. So we called the interview company up, Paul landed the job within 3 business days and then the craziness began.

So begin home reno hell. 3.5 weeks of non-stop home renos. We still have a tiny bit to do, but we're so very close. Then we have to sell this place and move on.

You see we'd finally become content with our lives where we live, we'd up-rooted ourselves 4 years ago and it had taken about 3.5 years to become content with everything. Being away from our family, friends and making new ones has taken time, but we did it. Ironically now we're moving back to the area we left 4 years ago.

We feel a bit conflicted, but things seem to be so utterly laid out.

Cue the single parenting glitch.
The new job is 2 hours away from our current home.
Paul started this past Monday.
Meaning me and Monroe and Decker are alone together. Solo. I've never done this for more then a night on my own. Seriously, if he'd be away I'd usually plan to go see my mom, or a friend for the night; Identifying that me being  alone and stressed out might not be the best solution.

It's been 3 nights and 2.5 days and surprisingly to me, we're doing okay. I did manage to ruin a load of  Monroe's clothing yesterday by putting in a new beach towel (duh.). So far that is our only casualty.

To the single moms and dads full-time out there. You are amazing. Truly.

So that's our little update.
Monroe tried to quit nursing again and this time even with my meds, he's not going back on. I am feeling a lot more calm this time around then the strike he attempted before. That time he went back on once my supply upped after about a week and a half. This time it has been about the same and he is showing no interest. I am pumping and just giving him what I can via bottle. he is almost 11 months and I feel that I've truly tried everything. I feel like this time it is not a supply issue but more an exploration issue. He wants to venture out and being attached to me makes that tough.

That's all folks.

on mother's day

 So I just had my first mother's day. Second if you count the 26 week on my way to my last non-mama girl's trip to mexico pregnant mother's day last year.

Now I know there are those of you who rant about mother's day being a hallmark anniversary, well suck it up, it is supposed to be a nice day to love on your mama a little bit more then usual.

There was a blog link I saw on a friend's wall today regarding mother's day. It is a bit of a realistic view of mother's day and I couldn't help but feel the urge to recant my first mother's day in detail, basically I would have to agree with mother's day being a bit of a let down. Kind of like new years, except for the first time this past year I had a really good new years, so maybe we'll improve from here....

So Saturday night we get home after a games night with some friends and Paul advises me that he is going to head out to buy me breakfast in the morning. To which I reply no. (we really only have a mcd's for breakfast, please not on mother's day?).

Come Sunday morning. He gets up at 7:30 am to do some mother's day stuff (turns out he was making home made cards-cute, but I also know this is because he forgot about them the rest of the week, at one point asking why I'd only given him a weeks notice? to which I responded, really? No calendar around you?). So he is card making, then roe roe wakes up, that crazy scream of a wake-up. To which Paul gets him and then places him in bed with me, where he drinks his bottle and stares/grabs at me. Paul then comes in and gets him and puts him in an exersaucer. At 9 am ish I get up after not having fallen back asleep and then Paul asks me for my recipe for french toast; I write it down and then get asked a bunch of questions regarding how to make french toast. (really? I've created a monster by baking/cooking everything for him for the last 6 ish years). I then curl up on the couch and read my cards from both of my boys.

Then we sit down to breakfast with the realization that in order to make it to church roughly on time (approx 20 minutes late) we had to mow down our food and get ready ASAP. Get roe ready get showered, get dressed, running, go go go. In the midst Paul lets me know that he got a ring I was recently given by my great-grandmother resized (sweet), but that I won't be getting it until this Friday.

made it to church 20 minutes late. Roe to the nursery-for 1/2 the service, great speaking (go becky!) and mum flowers for all the ladies. Then we get roe from the nursery where our fabulous nursery workers made me a cute picture and word holder with a picture of him in it for me.

Then we're off to Hamilton. Yes. A 2 hours drive. Wait for it, with a 2.5 hour stop for a business meeting of Paul's. yay. You try entertaining a 9 month old in a car for 2.5 hours. Sounds fab huh?

Then to our nephew's 2 and 6th birthday party combined, where I was given a huge planter of flowers from my bil and sil. Then we ate the cake and opened the gifts.

Then a 2 hour drive home and in bed by midnight. Happy mother's day.

Next year I am going to skip church and go out on my boat, maybe alone, with a book. yes.

Not a horrible day, but nothing out of the ordinary by any stretch.

not enough

that is what I feel like right now, just not enough.

I know that you're already judging, jumping to conclusions and assumptions about your thoughts on my previous posts. Well keep them to yourself, because this is a place for me to write about how I FEEL as I go through MY own experience at becoming a mother. Now if you weren't judging, that is nice and I appreciate that.

So Monroe is just past 9 months old, and he has refused to nurse since friday-it is now thursday, the pump and I have become re-acquainted. Truly Monroe had one day about  a month ago where he refused to nurse completely, the next day I did some limiting of fluids and he went back to nursing for very very short periods of time ranging from 1-3x's per day. Then on easter weekend he did an overnight and refused to nurse before being gone form me for 24 hours. We went through 3 days of him refusing, then back on then he did another overnight away at the cottage with paul. Since then he screams and turns aggressively from me. Screaming when the breast is presented. A real calm and bonding time huh?

You see I hated nursing at the beginning, monroe was a huge cluster feeder and this mama was tired, now I enjoy it and was really starting to love those bonding times, I was getting what everyone was so excited about about nursing. Then he stopped. I wish I'd known the last time he was going to nurse was the last, I might've cherished it a bit more. What if he hadn't gone away on that overnight?

I know you're thinking big whopp-di-do. Well this is MY blog and this makes me very sad. You see I felt like I couldn't give my babe the entry into this world that i felt he deserved, the all natural woman hear me roar one. So I though at least he nurses well, and we're gonna do this for at least a year. AT LEAST. Well we're 2.5 months shy and I feel like crap for once again not meeting one of the goals of motherhood that I'd set out. I can't think of another thing offhand where we set such huge expectations for our bodies (based on another person's participation as well) and even when we do great and give them the best of everything you can;t make them do this.

I feel very conflicted as some people say that the babe attempting to wean at this age is normal, others say it is not actual weaning but a 'false' wean that we moms need to drudge through.

I am going to keep on trying and I don't know what the outcome will be. I've been in contact with dr. jack newman (breastfeeding guru) and he's recommended no more bottle and an open cup instead. day one of that and it is proving to be difficult, frustrating, messy and time consuming. Other have recommended just appreciating that this chapter is closed and that we got this far. I don't even know how to feel/cope right now.

And to those of you saying big deal, why is she so upset? Well I can't explain it any better and I'd rather not hear your judgement on the topic.

familia

Family, what does that mean to you?

Prior to having our own babe I labelled Paul and I as a family, a 2 unit family with the hopes of expanding one day.

Our extended family at one point in our lives focused a lot on our friends, we had some amazing friends back then. Then one day we realized that we were neglecting our blood family, that because at times situations could be awkward, conversation strained and we thought about the fun and memories that we'd make with our 'friend' family vs. the real thing. It's true what whomever says about blood being thicker then water, and that you can't choose your family....

Don't get me wrong, Monroe has some amazing honorary aunties and uncles. T&N are in charge of Monroe should anything happen to us, friends who truly would honor our decisions in the way we'd like roe to be raised and will make sure he still gets to see his family (our parents, grandparents, aunties uncles etc.). There are also those friends who we thought would always be there that are no longer in our lives, because friendships can wean and wither down to nothing (or be brought to an awkward abrupt end).

Our family is interesting and loves us like no other could. And therefore loves our offspring. We started making a much larger effort to attend functions and make sure that family comes first, even when it means driving 3 hours each way in one day, we'll do it, me a bit begrudgingly-that's what happens when you don't have a babe who excels in the car, Paul all happy and excited. We've tried, but there are times when things happen and you still wish you'd tried a little harder. My grandpa passing away suddenly and unexpectedly at 65 this past fall was a shock and made me realize how very precious life is and how much I treasured my grandpa.

So go out and love on your family this weekend, hug that awkward cousin. Engage in conversation with your grandparent even when you're not sure if they're hearing you or just nodding in agreement to what you're saying because they can't truly hear you.

lunch this past sunday with my zaidie, lori & my dad 

that's what it was!

These past few weeks have been a bit crazy to say the least. Monroe was not himself and had a medley of symptoms. We thought it was teething. Turns out it wasn't. Eventually (after 2 weeks) we headed to our doctors office where we saw a nurse practitioner one day, and then 2 days later a covering doctor. The nurse practitioner diagnosed Monroe as having an upper respiratory infection and possibly an ear infection, she mentioned a possible chest x-ray but thought it was very unlikely that he had pneumonia.

Then we weighed him, dun dun dun. Honestly I've been putting off weighing him again it makes me feel like #$%@$%^ when he gets weighed and things are not where the doctor thinks it should be. Maybe it shouldn't make me feel like this, but how does it not? I am the one feeding him, making his food, deciding on his portion size etc etc. I may be sensitive about it, but I want to provide the best for my son, for my family.

But let's be honest mama's, everyone has one thing (at least) that they feel like they aren't doing up to someone's standard.

So his weight, on the first appt he'd gained about  8 grams in the last 7 weeks. Then 2 days later he'd dropped 10 ounces. Big weight to be losing on his little frame. At his second appt the doctor thought he didn't have an ear infection and that his chest sounded absolutely clear and that he just had a cold.

So we booked an appt a week later to check in with our regular doctor on Monroe's weight. He had seemed to be markedly better in the few days leading up to this appt. Then on the morning of the appt, Monroe woke up  with a fever of 102* and nursed for about a minute, then just wanted to be rocked back to sleep. He woke up again and nursed for a very short time, then could keep nothing down. Then off we went to our appt. Once there and after going over everything our doctor requested we complete a chest x-ray as we were going on week 4 of him being sick.

Sidenote: Baby chest x-ray. Horrible. (google image result) mama cried, roe barely fit into the tube like torture device etc etc.

The fabulous x-ray technician hinted that I should go right back to see my doctor  (she may have mentioned pneumonia). So we did just this and I was advised that Monroe indeed had pneumonia. We left with a prescription for banana medicine, which he thankfully takes pretty easily and we are now housebound for at least the next week. With a follow-up appt next week and another x-ray in a month-which Paul is holding his hand for.

The good in all this is that this explains Monroe's rapid weight loss and his random fevers he's been having. The doctor is no longer so very concerned about his weight and we hope that after this he chunks up. If not though he has his father's genes (which are pretty good ones I must say) of lovely leanness.

So good luck to going stir crazy all week to me.
Thats the excitement in our lives right now.
g'night.

Sans.

I met the newest little sweetheart today, her name is Rae and she is gorgeous, and so snuggly and just over 14 days old. I get what makes women do this pregnancy/birth/newborn/infant thing over and over again. I do.

Today I also got a solo day, one where I drove alone, and almost went into the customary carpool lane, then realized roe wasn't there. I listened to music, and then didn't. I then listened to silence glorious silence. I ran into a local fav restaurant in our old city (pho dau bo, we liked to say it was a-pho-da-bo get it affordable?) to get pick-up for the new mamas. alone.

After some lovely snuggles and discussion surrounding why midwives feel the need to recommend supplementing when a baby drops weight promptly after you give birth. Roe dropped at least 10% and we were prompted to give him formula, had I not been a bit stubborn and stood up for myself I could have easily been bullied into believing that I was doing something wrong. What is with our society and the need to not allow nature to runs its absolutely natural course? rant rant rant.

This was followed by hot drinks and dessert with my oldest and very dear friend my jb and good conversation.

I then headed home and was excited to see my boys, who were both exhausted after daddy decided to take them on a 3 hour lakeside hike this afternoon ( I think he's trying to one-up me). I love knowing that Paul can step up, he even said to me that he'd expected me a bit later and that I would have stayed for dinner with jb and ange who was supposed to show up later. But my obviously dying cell phone battery made me feel getting home would be best as I had no communication available to discuss dinner with him.

I love only being a little worried about roe not getting attached to a bottle. That was my biggest concern of the day. Because Paul is a great husband and father to me and my roe.

I guess I don't really have a point other then make sure you choose a good parent partner in your life. If you don't it's going to be tougher than it might otherwise be. You'll get through it I am sure, but having someone who gets you and your ideals and cares enough to ask about how to mix the veggies with rice cereal in a specific way is awesome. Having a day off is amazing. Coming home stress free and refreshed is even better. That would not be possible with anyone else than my other half.

cheesy I know, but so very true.

ps. Monroe now has 4 teeth, two sweet little one and two huge top front ones. I hate these top ones, they stole my happy bay away for 2 weeks and counting. Whoever tells awful stories about teething, they're true. seriously.

Gorgeous day.

We are all so interconnected, if you're on the internet that is. My mil is afraid to purchase anything online or do online banking, she does have Facebook though, so there are some people out there who choose their ways to be connected.

Facebook, wow. I remember a friend in university telling me to sign up for it, and I did to be her 'friend'. I remember asking what the purpose was, and she replied it's just fun. I recall when I did sign up it was a lot more popular in the states then here in the northern america aka Canada, and that I had about 2 friends who were using it back then (circa 2006). 

Sidenote : I just realized Facebook has been added to the dictionary whilst typing, only if capitalized. 

Since I began using Facebook it has grown, as I am sure you've noticed into this huge thing. I can state that I've lost some friendships over Facebook, found and strengthened others that might not have had that opportunity otherwise. The ones that are lost are hard, was it that we communicated too much, knew too much about one another? Who the heck knows. I have had the opportunity to complete many many more weddings shooting photos, due in most part to the accessibility, recommendations and connections of Facebook ( purple umbrella :).

As a new mama it has been super helpful for me just to not feel so freaking stir crazy and feel somewhat in touch with my old friends, new ones and their everyday lives. I can't leave my home to be there with them, so it is nice to see what is going on in their world.

A few weeks ago now I saw a post someone had made on a friends wall-via the lovely newsfeed feature. This post turned out to be on someone's wall who had unfortunately just passed away after a long and difficult battle with cancer. She was 36, had a 7 year old and her life was still so young, so new. She had a lot of time to go. Then it was cut short, and now people were posting condolences via her Facebook page. So bizarre to me, this new way of mourning. 

What hit home in a huge way was that she was only roughly 10 years older then me and the subsequent slideshow of images that could be seen showed her loving her everyday beautiful life. Cottage pictures of her snuggling with her little one and just taking in her everyday life, treasuring every beautiful moment when she could have chosen a very different way to face her everyday life. She lived a lot in the time since her diagnosis and seized every freaking moment and turned it into a memory. I am sure there were moments of everything in between; But at least once a day she seized the beauty of her day and her family.

We have days that suck, that are hard. where babes don't sleep the night before and wake up screaming every 2 hours, nursing until you're dry then wanting a bottle as well, only to wake up 2 hours later to repeat (friday, saturday and sunday night). 

But the days are gorgeous, the days are beautiful. The smile that greets me in the morning from paul and from my roe (even tiny d), they're beautiful. The kiss I get every morning before paul heads off to work makes me feel loved and secure. The knowledge that every day is new and every day is a new opportunity, a new memory, a new secret moment that will never happen again. 

Monroe is 7 months old today, and my life has changed so very much and I am so thankful for the gorgeous, beautiful and handsome men in my lives, who amke my everyday more beautiful in the midst of all the crap. That one grin from ear to ear, that one hug can get me through, heck even those 5 hours of sleep can suffice.

Go find your gorgeous moment today.

little teeths

Monroe now has 2 sharp spiky front bottom teeth, and some swollen and menacing looking gums. This has caused some changes in him.

Very noticeable changes.

Now I know/knew that babes get cranky when there poor little gums are torn to shreds by their pushy teeth. I did not realize how much it can change me as a mama.

There was one night last week (maybe thursday or friday?) where Monroe woke up and screamed non-stop from 3 am-5 am. Eventually after lots of soothing we gave him some pain medicine and his daddy rocked him to sleep in the lazy boy. There were a few other nights that week with non-stop crying, screaming, bawling, that left both Paul & I questioning where his next tooth was, all this fuss must be over something right?

The thing is that teeth seem to be like much of the growth, physically, mentally, emotionally that we go through during our transition into parenthood. It hurts so much. Then it wanes and ceases all together, then flares up, then is a dull ache and so on and so forth. The teeth come down, shrink back up, break through, grow taller and longer.

Some days I feel like being a mother was/is my calling, my life's duty, my purpose. Truth be told some days I want to just be alone and sew or read or knit or some other activity I find relaxing (I am finding my outlets) and I feel like maybe this wasn't my calling.

A person I know was recently discussing with me how she did not feel quite right constantly at home with her children, nor was she content away working full-time. A part-time work schedule worked perfectly for her in her situation. I have yet another friend who stays home full time with her 2 little ones and she told me once that she doesn't ever want to look back and think about what she missed out on due to working, and that she'd never look back and think I shouldn't have stayed home with them. Everyone's view on motherhood and staying home vs. working is different. This leaves me a little confused as to what society think I should do. I know that this is a common issue for every mother out there, and I have no answers just typing out loud.

The thing about teeth, is you don't quite know what they'll end up looking like, will they need braces, fillings? Will they wear down with age, will they not show up until a year old +?

Teething this past week has been tough for my roe, growing as a mama has been tough this week too. I am starting to feel so "coming out the other side on a freaking rainbow" some days, and other days the sads seep in and I find myself feeling isolated and a little alone.


To me motherhood is not something that will pass quickly, that much like teething and something that will be shifted, molded and work on for years and years to come. I'll let you know how we make out :)

My shower is dirty.

If you are a close friend and you've come up to the wick and stayed over I will clean my shower for you. If its a day visit, please do not pull back that closed curtain, because it may not be the tidiest most spic and span shower. Not the dirtiest (shudder), but not the cleanest. I don't spend hours scrubbing my bathroom, or my floors or my kitchen. They do get cleaned, but if I had the choice I would do anything rather than do dishes or scrub. I'd rather live life. I'd rather laugh with my roe and watch him grow and develop. I'd rather snuggle with my hub on the couch or go for a little walk or swim or go to the beach or eat ice cream or bake....

Yesterday morning we skipped church after a wedding on Saturday and snuggled with roe in our bed, I kept repeating ma ma and Paul did da da. Guess which one he decided to blurt out? That's right, da da. No joke. Now who knows how long it will be before he repeats it, and hopefully he'll say mama next.I'd like to just say how glad I am that I was not running around with the busyness of life and missed that moment (and the way Paul's face lit up!).

We did have to clean yesterday, my kr is heading over today just to snuggle with roe. She is an amazing friend. One who'll tell me how it is, and one who'll take a day off of work to visit with us (and drive the 1.5 hours each way), and a friends who would take a day off work to watch my son and love him so much while I spoke at my grandfather's funeral and said my final goodbyes. I hope that everyone can find a kr in their lives (and my jb, jb, bn, krm, lhl, nl, av, tb) and value that friendship, nurture the good ones and let the so so ones go, leave them by the wayside, don't be cruel about it but let them go, some people just aren't worth your time if we're being honest. That was the point of me starting this blog was honesty.

So the real mama view on this from me, is that you should have one or a few amazing friends (like when I got bn to babysit roe on a whim so Paul and I could go out to dinner just a few weeks ago) or like my jb (who watches our important family member (d) and snuggles him so much more then us at times). Or my other jb who is consistently keeping her eye out for fabulous outfits for my roe, or krm who sends her love whenever possible from sunny cali, or my nl who's little messages make us feel loved, or my lhl who provides encouragement, or tb who really says it like it is (and yes you are type a). And av who is always there to give me a moment and love on my roe so very much even with 4 of her own.

That you should leave some of your household chores, trust me they'll still be there when you are forced to do them; And just enjoy your life, take it all in, take some photos, laugh a lot. 

Times with my roe seem to be turning a corner (yes, like all you experienced mama's said it would) and we're having more and more good days. Fabulous snuggles, development galore and lovely laughs shared just between us. I am learning to take it the good, remember it, catalogue it and forget the crap. The crap has no place in my memory.

 chomping on an  apple to soothe his 2 new bottom teeth

So let your shower be dirty, let your kitchen pile up with dishes (as long as you've got a hub who'll clean them too :) and take in the beauty of your everyday.

The Dreaded Overnight?

This past weekend was busy. Really really busy.

 We had a wedding to shoot, a babe to drop off to grandma and great-grandma's house, a wiener dog to auntie jb's, breakfast and shopping with two of my bests, a birthday party for my now three year old niece and a visit with my 2 nephews and in-laws.

It was so nice to see everyone and for the most part we were able to schedule around Monroe's nap schedule, which even if we're late just makes life all that much easier.

So this was Monroe's first dreaded overnight away from us, except that I really wasn't dreading it. I was excited to not be woken up multiple times during the night. I was really pumped about breakfast not being rushed (and we grabbed some shopping and cupcakes afterwards too). Not too excited about having to pump, but I was willing to deal with it. I was  a little worried about whether or not he'd have enough food, but we over-packed because of this, so he had a lot of food! He did pretty well and when I called to check -in my mom immediately told me how sweet he was being that night. So I figured he was doing okay.

When I asked Paul if he missed Monroe he said he really missed snuggling him (we'd been away about 24 hours from him). Then he asked me and I honestly didn't miss  Monroe, and I wasn't stressed out about not being in control of everything he did. I knew he was safe (my mom has 3 kids under her belt and  my nanny has 4 including twins) so I knew they'd be very capable of handling him and he would be fine.

Now some people may think that this means I am having some sort of issues with my emotions or more ppd and require help with these things. Truth is that for me I was just glad to have a break, but as soon as he woke up and he made eye contact with my and broke out in his near-toothless grin, my heart melted just a bit.

somebody is 6 months old now

After thinking this through I've decided not to feel bad about the fact that I only called my mom to let her know we'd be a bit late, not to double and triple check on Monroe. I feel this pressure from society that I should feel this pull and angst while I am away from my babe, the truth is as long as he is safe and loved and well taken care of I am not worried about it. What would worry do for me?

So it was a lovely visit with my bests and snuggling Monroe afterwards made me as content as ever and reinforced that it is indeed okay to not be petrified every moment I am away from him. He'll be okay. Now if someone else had been babysitting it could be a whole other story.

How to make a sleep sack

So Monroe has started rolling around and wedging himself sideways at the top of his crib sans covers.

So it is time for a sleep sack. All the ones I've seen have some issues for me such as:

1. kind of ugly
2. too small/short (a friend gave us one this week and he's been rocking it pink and all, but he's about to be too long for it)
3. Cute ones are $$$ and my mat leave is running out soon ( we only got 6 months due to some backwards government ideals)

So I had some fabric on hand, I own a sewing machine and I had some thread and a big bag of buttons from your local walmart for $3 to make this for Monroe. (I think it total this cost me around $4 to make, because I had the fabric on hand)

If you want to make one here is a tutorial coming atcha.

Things you'll need:
-sewing machine
-thread
-straight pins
-fabric scissors,  (you can use good old kitchen scissors, but they will not cut as nicely as ones solely used for fabric)
-sewing needle (if you want to hand stitch the button holes closed)
-heavier fabric (I used two fabric, a sweatshirt type fabric and another one I had kicking around and lined mine, but you don't have to if you don't feel like it!)
-2 small buttons if you're doing some type of applique (I did an owl, this adds a lot of time to this project about an hour more for this applique)
-2 BIG buttons, for strapping your little one in
-and an iron & ironing board (or do what I did and use a hair straightener, it is the modern day iron)
-measuring tape if needed ( I just eye balled it, then measured after)
-a little common sense

Steps:
Fold 4 layers of fabric in half each piece measuring a minimum of  28" long and 22" wide.
Layer  and pin with straight pins together and then draw on your outline. (measurements in photo below, shown unfolded, when cutting fold in half to make sure each side is equal so across the arm holes the measurement should be approx. 8.5"  and across the bottom it should be approx. 11" )

 Example of the first 2 layers, add in your lining layer of fabric ( 2 more layers folded in half), if you're doing one

 Approximate measurements (and a spelling mistake! Click on the picture to see the measurements in a bigger size)

 All 4 layers cut and pinned together

 Make sure the good side of the outer fabric is against the good side of the inner fabric lining

 Sew 1 layer of the outside and 1 layer of the lining together from the bottom of one armhole across the arm straps, neck hole and to the other armhole DO NOT sew the whole thing together or all the way around, just from one armhole across the top to the other

Repeat with your other two layers

 Make sure you sew both layers!

 Turn it inside out, and press flat with your iron

I wanted a little fun in our sleep sack so I made an owl appliqué, it total this took around 45 minutes-hour to make

OPTIONAL:

Owl Applique

 Draw a large circle on the bottom, and a smaller one on top, two big circles for eyes and a little beak, feet and ears and little wings off the sides of your bigger bottom circle

 wings and back of eyes cut out

 cut of wings to pin and cut out on a different colored fabric, then pin the body on your main fabric

 Body cut out

 Wings and beak pinned onto body, sew them on slowly using your sewing machine or by hand if you have more patience.

 I cut out some white to make the eyes pop and layered this behind the red eye cut out, then hand-stitched two different sized button eyes on

 I then cut out a big white fabric circle (used my lining remnants) just a bit bigger then my owl and stitched the main body of my owl on, leaving the wings and the little feet unsewn to the circle, but attached to the body. (I just freehanded the feet)

 I safety pinned the two sewn layers at the top of the arm straps to check sizing on monroe

 he's confused, but it fits

 decker trying to calm him down a little

 appliqué sewn onto the good side of one of the layers of outside fabric and lining ( I sewed it to the red layer, not the white)

 Now pin all 4 layers together with the two good outside (red) layers facing each other and your lining out on both sides

 I left my safety pins in the top, while I straight pinned all around the sides and bottom of the bag

ironed sewn top and rough side pieces being pinned together

Sew from the bottom of the armhole all the way down the side, around the bottom to the other armhole and the trim your excess. make sure you're getting all 4 layers when sewing it together!

 

Now for how you'll get the babe to stay in there, the buttons

Sew your buttons by hand onto the top of your two frontside straps (same as your applique if you made one)

 I took a pencil and overlayed the back strap over the sewn on button, I marked the button size with a pencil line as a guide for where to cut

 

Folded the pencil line in half and cut to the size of the button

 Fit the button through, adjust sizing if need to be bigger (Always cut this smaller, then try fitting the button through and adjust

 Put your buttons through

 Now I handstitched the button holes to make sure that the fabric didn't rip later on, you could skip this step if needed

 Using red thread would've been better, but i was using what I had on hand

 Finished sleep sack showing button straps

Sleep sack flat out (buttons right at top)

6-12 months

In an attempt to beat the winter blues coupled with having a new babe, a friend and I joined a swimming class. This class is called babyfit and it is basically aquafit with your babe in the water with you.They heat that pool like you wouldn't believe for the little ones, and for the most part they seem to enjoy it.

Now this class is for an hour. Monroe has as of yet to make it past 30 minutes. He has been getting up after repeated snacks from me during the night, in the later morning (meaning he sleeps a later then 7 am, but gets up every 2-3-4 hours). So when I get him up for this swim class I am breaking some of my own rules, such as don't ever wake a sleeping babe.

For times sake though, I wait until the last possible moment to get him up (the groggy snuggles I get are so freaking precious). We then rush through breastfeeding and today he had soaked through hid diaper, so I did not have quite enough time to fully change and feed him. So off we went in a flurry, we got in the water and he seemed to enjoy himself for about 20 minutes. Then I nursed him at the side of the pool on a bench they have. This totally calmed him down and we then tried rejoining the class but he was exhausted by this point, as of lately he's been able to stay awake for anywhere from 45-2 hours depending on who knows what so today well he was ready for a nap asap. So we went into the baby pool and snuggled (its even warmer in there), while we waited for our friend and here babe to finish up the class and then we'd carpool back home.

Monroe in a size 6-12 month if you need to know :)

Last week and this week some of the other moms and their babes ended up with us in the little pool. Last week a mom inquired about Monroe's age, commented on his size and then questioned what size clothing he was fitting into and his weight. We survived, got through that and I figured this week maybe we could move on and small chat about something else. Oh no, not only did the same mom comment on how tiny he was yet again, she advised another mom of his size, age and weight and then they both talked about how sweet he was. I promptly got the heck out of that pool and went and had a nice warm shower with roe while we waited for our friend to be done with her little one.

What is it that makes us feel better about commenting on the size of a babe when ours differs? Her child was quite substantial in size and let me tell you I had NO URGE to say "Wow, what a Huge baby you've got." because nobody needs to hear that crap. As mothers we should encourage and support one another and really think through what we say to one another.

 If our babes are content and having their needs met what more can we do?

I am dreading next week and thinking we may just skip out on the after baby pool part and go have our own nice little warm shower. Instead of me leaving riled up and feeling like a failure for the third week in a row.

the good.

My husband mentioned to me that he felt that I should talk about the good of being a mom. I advised him I'd blog about what I felt and that this was my format for utter honesty. With that the truth is he is right in that in the few days since beginning this blog I've not mentioned too many of the good I've found in motherhood. So here are a few things I enjoy about being a mom:

I enjoy no longer being pregnant and being able to see my babe and make sure he is safe. Really. A lot. I was and am so utterly blessed to be able to carry a child to term and after suffering a miscarriage when I didn't realize I was pregnant (we'd been trying) I appreciate this even more. We are so BLESSED. I am just saying that I am not one of those I excel and love being pregnant ladies. I am thankful that I can get through it though, and there is no better feeling than those tiny first kicks.

I love snuggling him. I am a big hugger but not usually a big snuggler and having this tiny being who just wants to be with me makes me feel pretty freaking awesome. And I do let him nuzzle into my neck.

I love playing with him as he develops, his dexterity, his cognitive abilities are amazing to see as they develop day by day. When one day he wakes up making new noises that I'd never heard from him before.

I enjoy the momships. The new friendships from my little babe. the comradeship of a nursing room with other moms and babes and the cocoon of understanding that you are accepted no questions asked into.

I love waking him up by saying good morning and seeing him raise his little head and tiny tuft of hair and smile when he makes eye contact with me.

I love watching Paul be a dad. it makes my heart melt a little every time roe finds him when he's home from work and a HUGE smile breaks out on both of their faces. Paul does not love slobber covered hands touching his face though :)

my boys on christmas morning

I love being a mom a lot of the time, but I find it trying too. I wouldn't change having my little man for anything and things have vastly improved from when he was a tiny newborn. its funny how you think that people are lying when they tell you it will improve, vastly. It really does though. I am excited to see what is to come <3

Why Blog?

I had a friend's mom inquire as to why I was blogging instead of just journaling privately. She asked in a way which mentioned perhaps a difference in age would be the reason she viewed this differently, but another friend very much my age seemed to agree with her.

Truth is I've never really thought about why I blog. I knew a girl who blogged very similarly to my pregnancy blog (I followed her example for the most part and I believe she followed the ideas of dooce for blogging about her pregnancy). This was the first blog of a friend I knew and read consistently, this was a few years ago now. Since then I've attempted and for short periods of time maintained varying blogs, one on just Paul and I, one on my photography, one on my pregnancy and babes new life and now one on my view as a mama.

I close the old ones when I feel I am done with them. This is kind of odd when I think about it, but as mentioned here I feel like I need a different platform for different topics. Maybe this is the way I try to compartmentalize my life? Who knows. I am sure there is some way to read into it, but I really don't have the time or care right now.

In the last few years I've seen so many different blogs pop up from friends and different people who I didn't know, but their blogs resounded with me, I felt like we had something in common or I was just interested in their views on whatever they were talking/blogging about ( Kelle Hampton, pregnant chicken, crunchy cursive, soaring, cherry apple and byle) to name a few.

So I guess that is why I started this blog, I decided to bare it all to share publicly about what I've been going through and I guess I was thinking that maybe it would resonate with someone else out there. If not at least I'll be able to look back and see what was going on in my life during the months following our lives changing in one of the biggest ways possible.

I was also asked why I didn't just attend a mom's group and talk about this stuff there. I do attend a mama's group once every 2 weeks and I try to meet up with other moms when I can. We live in a rural area though and getting out to these meetings and seeing other people can be very very hard. It can also be super easy, like when I invite someone over, this is my favorite, as Monroe gets to nap in his bed and I get to visit without having to drive the minimum 30 minutes up to and hour drive just to visit with someone. You tell me how often you'd feel like doing that drive with a babe who hates the car seat unless you leave at his nap-time, which can also be tough to plan.

Monroe & I @ Red Tent

Nonetheless, if I lived in a big city and had friends living on either side of me I'd most likely still be blogging. Because I want to, and if you disagree with the concept of blogging to share your thoughts with all, then I guess don't read them. For me I've decided to read them and share my own stuff. You may disagree, but then you don't have to read or blog. To each their own, the glory of this beautiful world we live in :)

I have the most beautiful /perfect /amazing ________(fill in the blank)

I hate when people use this phrase so loosely.

I try not to use it, I try not to say "I have the cutest son in the world". People may say to me you have the most adorable baby and the world and I will not disagree ( : ) ). But I will not post it as a status update, or as a small little jab at how much of a superior mother I am because my baby slept for hours at night when he was _____ weeks old. Or how much he weighs now at whatever age, and oh your baby weighs how much?

I hate mompetitiveness.

Now a situation arose where I made an offhand comment during a rather awkward conversation, which someone stupidly thought should be repeated to another party(this is the worst idea ever,if someone ever makes a stupid statement as we've all done, do not pass it along to someone else). Which was ridiculous and silly as I really do try not to say crap like that, but umm newsflash I am not perfect. But why the heck would we 1. say crap like that? And 2. WHO would pass that along to another mom?

I think that we've all said stuff like this. Maybe not about a specific person or situation. I'd love to hear one comment from anyone in God's green earth who has not ever said "I have the most amazing/cutest/perfect/blah blah blah _____________(fill in the blank).  Lack of comments roll in because WE have all said it or typed it out.

Why do we do it? Why do we say stuff like that when it will really only make others feel insufficient. Congrats you're 1 week-old sleeps 8 hours a night and sleeps for 4 hours at a time during the day. Here's your fabulous mom award for creating a great sleeper. I'll go slit my wrists as I wake up every 1.5 to 2 hours ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. (not literally people, although I jokingly said something along those lines when a pregnancy test was done about 2months ago. Don't joke about that stuff with new residents, they're a little high strung) and feel like an utter mom failure again.

Or wait I have an idea. Let's start a movement. Everybody talk about how perfect your baby is for your family, not how perfect it is compared to every else's. Don't talk about how well your babe sleeps unless you have a solid tip to give me to make mine sleep better. Otherwise, yours is sleeping fine and therefore you deserve no bragging rights in the discussion about sleepless nights. Seriously.

And yes you have the perfect husband/boyfriend/partner/baby/infant/child/dog/unicorn. For you. You chose them so I sure as heck hope they're a pretty good fit for you. I also have the perfect husband for me. I have the most amazing son for my life. My vicious wiener dog is up there too, in my list of good things.

So can we all agree to just support one another in our perfect family and stop with the competitive statements?

I vow to try my freaking hardest.

Something that matters

my roe roe aka monroe

I want to be there for him and snuggle him when he gets hurt and kiss his boo-boos better. Ideal mama would love every minute with her babe right? Because they go by too fast? As everyone tells you.

Let me just say that I find it hard to believe that my roe will be 6 months old in a little under 2 weeks. That when people told me it would go quickly I smiled and thought "How the heck can this go any slower? How can I make it go quicker? Can't we fast forward to fully potty trained and speaking and then slow down?".  I am glad that I've gotten to spend this time with him while he grew and developed and became a whole heck of a lot funner lately.

I can't really say its gone quickly.

What I will say is that its been different, amazing, different, hard, different and trying.

My marriage, my motherhoodness and my sanity all seemed to be in the shredder about 3 months ago. My Grandpa died very very unexpectedly at 65, Paul had 3 business trips planned (and 2 4-wheeler weekends? Not happening the 2nd time around), I lived 3 hours from my mom and 2 from my friends, which is a constant but I am trying to paint you a picture here okay?

I thought that the foundation of our marriage, our 5 year plan of action would really help us adjust to having a babe. Nothing, no matter how much time you have can prep you for the babe's arrival. We had a year where we lived apart from one another while I worked 2 hours away m-f and came home on weekends (sidenote: DO NOT ever do this, live in a cardboard box if needed, your marriage is worth it) and we got through that so no little babe was going to cause a marital issue, right? RIGHT?

Wrong.

You know that little old couple you see holding hands, and think hey we'll always be like that? There's no one to hold hands with when you're both stumbling around in your zombie stupor from lack of sleep and rotating naps with who's turn it is to rock the screaming mound of flesh.  You stop snuggling and talking, really any communication is over. Those weeks of recovery don't exactly meet a boys needs and speaking on a new mama's behalf I did not want to hold hands let alone anything else. I wanted time to myself. I wanted to be selfish, and that option is gone once you give birth.

I remember breaking down while driving Paul to the airport for a business trip and asking what happened to us. So we fought. Hard. Like put your big girl panties on because this is gonna be a drawn out, bare it all, fight tooth and nail for it kind of fight. We went out and celebrated our 5 year anniversary 2 months late. We made a commitment to each other, we talked. We luckily figured out a sleep routine that works sometimes for our babe and that really works for us in that almost every night we stay up past when he goes down and talk and snuggle and just be with only each other. This doesn't really meet the sleep need, but hey something had to give right? We laugh again, we joke and we find time for one another.

Tuesday night I sorted it out last minute to head to Toronto for dinner at a burger place (Paul loves him a good burger and these were great, go there if you get a chance, I got the crazy burger) for Paul's 31st, it'd been almost 2 weeks before, but hey you adjust to your situations, like we've been learning you don't just give up on them.

I remember right before Christmas laughing with Paul on a weekend (glorious weekends) and him telling me how happy he was to have his wife back. I was never gone, but we had to figure out how we fit our little guy into our lives and maintain our marriage. How our life could not revolve around this child, but rather encompass him into our lives. Does that make any sense? Meh I know what  I meant.

Oh yea so back to the original concept of this entry... ummm time. Right.

These months have not been quick, but they've been an amazing time of growth, Monroe has grown into a little man on the verge of sitting up on his own. I've grown into my concept of a mama. Paul into a dad and us into a family. I wouldn't change it for anything, but I sure am glad to be moving on to our next chapter.

date night at craft burger