that is what I feel like right now, just not enough.
I know that you're already judging, jumping to conclusions and assumptions about your thoughts on my previous posts. Well keep them to yourself, because this is a place for me to write about how I FEEL as I go through MY own experience at becoming a mother. Now if you weren't judging, that is nice and I appreciate that.
So Monroe is just past 9 months old, and he has refused to nurse since friday-it is now thursday, the pump and I have become re-acquainted. Truly Monroe had one day about a month ago where he refused to nurse completely, the next day I did some limiting of fluids and he went back to nursing for very very short periods of time ranging from 1-3x's per day. Then on easter weekend he did an overnight and refused to nurse before being gone form me for 24 hours. We went through 3 days of him refusing, then back on then he did another overnight away at the cottage with paul. Since then he screams and turns aggressively from me. Screaming when the breast is presented. A real calm and bonding time huh?
You see I hated nursing at the beginning, monroe was a huge cluster feeder and this mama was tired, now I enjoy it and was really starting to love those bonding times, I was getting what everyone was so excited about about nursing. Then he stopped. I wish I'd known the last time he was going to nurse was the last, I might've cherished it a bit more. What if he hadn't gone away on that overnight?
I know you're thinking big whopp-di-do. Well this is MY blog and this makes me very sad. You see I felt like I couldn't give my babe the entry into this world that i felt he deserved, the all natural woman hear me roar one. So I though at least he nurses well, and we're gonna do this for at least a year. AT LEAST. Well we're 2.5 months shy and I feel like crap for once again not meeting one of the goals of motherhood that I'd set out. I can't think of another thing offhand where we set such huge expectations for our bodies (based on another person's participation as well) and even when we do great and give them the best of everything you can;t make them do this.
I feel very conflicted as some people say that the babe attempting to wean at this age is normal, others say it is not actual weaning but a 'false' wean that we moms need to drudge through.
I am going to keep on trying and I don't know what the outcome will be. I've been in contact with dr. jack newman (breastfeeding guru) and he's recommended no more bottle and an open cup instead. day one of that and it is proving to be difficult, frustrating, messy and time consuming. Other have recommended just appreciating that this chapter is closed and that we got this far. I don't even know how to feel/cope right now.
And to those of you saying big deal, why is she so upset? Well I can't explain it any better and I'd rather not hear your judgement on the topic.
i understand. i do not judge. i support and know that every mother's journey is there own. that every child and mother's journey is there own. I already have two and the journey with each has been different. Each breastfeeding experience was different. It will all be different with #3.
ReplyDeleteI think the most important thing is to listen to YOU and your feelings. If YOU feel he is not done, then keep at it. There is many of us thinking of you and supporting you as a mother.