on mother's day

 So I just had my first mother's day. Second if you count the 26 week on my way to my last non-mama girl's trip to mexico pregnant mother's day last year.

Now I know there are those of you who rant about mother's day being a hallmark anniversary, well suck it up, it is supposed to be a nice day to love on your mama a little bit more then usual.

There was a blog link I saw on a friend's wall today regarding mother's day. It is a bit of a realistic view of mother's day and I couldn't help but feel the urge to recant my first mother's day in detail, basically I would have to agree with mother's day being a bit of a let down. Kind of like new years, except for the first time this past year I had a really good new years, so maybe we'll improve from here....

So Saturday night we get home after a games night with some friends and Paul advises me that he is going to head out to buy me breakfast in the morning. To which I reply no. (we really only have a mcd's for breakfast, please not on mother's day?).

Come Sunday morning. He gets up at 7:30 am to do some mother's day stuff (turns out he was making home made cards-cute, but I also know this is because he forgot about them the rest of the week, at one point asking why I'd only given him a weeks notice? to which I responded, really? No calendar around you?). So he is card making, then roe roe wakes up, that crazy scream of a wake-up. To which Paul gets him and then places him in bed with me, where he drinks his bottle and stares/grabs at me. Paul then comes in and gets him and puts him in an exersaucer. At 9 am ish I get up after not having fallen back asleep and then Paul asks me for my recipe for french toast; I write it down and then get asked a bunch of questions regarding how to make french toast. (really? I've created a monster by baking/cooking everything for him for the last 6 ish years). I then curl up on the couch and read my cards from both of my boys.

Then we sit down to breakfast with the realization that in order to make it to church roughly on time (approx 20 minutes late) we had to mow down our food and get ready ASAP. Get roe ready get showered, get dressed, running, go go go. In the midst Paul lets me know that he got a ring I was recently given by my great-grandmother resized (sweet), but that I won't be getting it until this Friday.

made it to church 20 minutes late. Roe to the nursery-for 1/2 the service, great speaking (go becky!) and mum flowers for all the ladies. Then we get roe from the nursery where our fabulous nursery workers made me a cute picture and word holder with a picture of him in it for me.

Then we're off to Hamilton. Yes. A 2 hours drive. Wait for it, with a 2.5 hour stop for a business meeting of Paul's. yay. You try entertaining a 9 month old in a car for 2.5 hours. Sounds fab huh?

Then to our nephew's 2 and 6th birthday party combined, where I was given a huge planter of flowers from my bil and sil. Then we ate the cake and opened the gifts.

Then a 2 hour drive home and in bed by midnight. Happy mother's day.

Next year I am going to skip church and go out on my boat, maybe alone, with a book. yes.

Not a horrible day, but nothing out of the ordinary by any stretch.

not enough

that is what I feel like right now, just not enough.

I know that you're already judging, jumping to conclusions and assumptions about your thoughts on my previous posts. Well keep them to yourself, because this is a place for me to write about how I FEEL as I go through MY own experience at becoming a mother. Now if you weren't judging, that is nice and I appreciate that.

So Monroe is just past 9 months old, and he has refused to nurse since friday-it is now thursday, the pump and I have become re-acquainted. Truly Monroe had one day about  a month ago where he refused to nurse completely, the next day I did some limiting of fluids and he went back to nursing for very very short periods of time ranging from 1-3x's per day. Then on easter weekend he did an overnight and refused to nurse before being gone form me for 24 hours. We went through 3 days of him refusing, then back on then he did another overnight away at the cottage with paul. Since then he screams and turns aggressively from me. Screaming when the breast is presented. A real calm and bonding time huh?

You see I hated nursing at the beginning, monroe was a huge cluster feeder and this mama was tired, now I enjoy it and was really starting to love those bonding times, I was getting what everyone was so excited about about nursing. Then he stopped. I wish I'd known the last time he was going to nurse was the last, I might've cherished it a bit more. What if he hadn't gone away on that overnight?

I know you're thinking big whopp-di-do. Well this is MY blog and this makes me very sad. You see I felt like I couldn't give my babe the entry into this world that i felt he deserved, the all natural woman hear me roar one. So I though at least he nurses well, and we're gonna do this for at least a year. AT LEAST. Well we're 2.5 months shy and I feel like crap for once again not meeting one of the goals of motherhood that I'd set out. I can't think of another thing offhand where we set such huge expectations for our bodies (based on another person's participation as well) and even when we do great and give them the best of everything you can;t make them do this.

I feel very conflicted as some people say that the babe attempting to wean at this age is normal, others say it is not actual weaning but a 'false' wean that we moms need to drudge through.

I am going to keep on trying and I don't know what the outcome will be. I've been in contact with dr. jack newman (breastfeeding guru) and he's recommended no more bottle and an open cup instead. day one of that and it is proving to be difficult, frustrating, messy and time consuming. Other have recommended just appreciating that this chapter is closed and that we got this far. I don't even know how to feel/cope right now.

And to those of you saying big deal, why is she so upset? Well I can't explain it any better and I'd rather not hear your judgement on the topic.