My shower is dirty.

If you are a close friend and you've come up to the wick and stayed over I will clean my shower for you. If its a day visit, please do not pull back that closed curtain, because it may not be the tidiest most spic and span shower. Not the dirtiest (shudder), but not the cleanest. I don't spend hours scrubbing my bathroom, or my floors or my kitchen. They do get cleaned, but if I had the choice I would do anything rather than do dishes or scrub. I'd rather live life. I'd rather laugh with my roe and watch him grow and develop. I'd rather snuggle with my hub on the couch or go for a little walk or swim or go to the beach or eat ice cream or bake....

Yesterday morning we skipped church after a wedding on Saturday and snuggled with roe in our bed, I kept repeating ma ma and Paul did da da. Guess which one he decided to blurt out? That's right, da da. No joke. Now who knows how long it will be before he repeats it, and hopefully he'll say mama next.I'd like to just say how glad I am that I was not running around with the busyness of life and missed that moment (and the way Paul's face lit up!).

We did have to clean yesterday, my kr is heading over today just to snuggle with roe. She is an amazing friend. One who'll tell me how it is, and one who'll take a day off of work to visit with us (and drive the 1.5 hours each way), and a friends who would take a day off work to watch my son and love him so much while I spoke at my grandfather's funeral and said my final goodbyes. I hope that everyone can find a kr in their lives (and my jb, jb, bn, krm, lhl, nl, av, tb) and value that friendship, nurture the good ones and let the so so ones go, leave them by the wayside, don't be cruel about it but let them go, some people just aren't worth your time if we're being honest. That was the point of me starting this blog was honesty.

So the real mama view on this from me, is that you should have one or a few amazing friends (like when I got bn to babysit roe on a whim so Paul and I could go out to dinner just a few weeks ago) or like my jb (who watches our important family member (d) and snuggles him so much more then us at times). Or my other jb who is consistently keeping her eye out for fabulous outfits for my roe, or krm who sends her love whenever possible from sunny cali, or my nl who's little messages make us feel loved, or my lhl who provides encouragement, or tb who really says it like it is (and yes you are type a). And av who is always there to give me a moment and love on my roe so very much even with 4 of her own.

That you should leave some of your household chores, trust me they'll still be there when you are forced to do them; And just enjoy your life, take it all in, take some photos, laugh a lot. 

Times with my roe seem to be turning a corner (yes, like all you experienced mama's said it would) and we're having more and more good days. Fabulous snuggles, development galore and lovely laughs shared just between us. I am learning to take it the good, remember it, catalogue it and forget the crap. The crap has no place in my memory.

 chomping on an  apple to soothe his 2 new bottom teeth

So let your shower be dirty, let your kitchen pile up with dishes (as long as you've got a hub who'll clean them too :) and take in the beauty of your everyday.

The Dreaded Overnight?

This past weekend was busy. Really really busy.

 We had a wedding to shoot, a babe to drop off to grandma and great-grandma's house, a wiener dog to auntie jb's, breakfast and shopping with two of my bests, a birthday party for my now three year old niece and a visit with my 2 nephews and in-laws.

It was so nice to see everyone and for the most part we were able to schedule around Monroe's nap schedule, which even if we're late just makes life all that much easier.

So this was Monroe's first dreaded overnight away from us, except that I really wasn't dreading it. I was excited to not be woken up multiple times during the night. I was really pumped about breakfast not being rushed (and we grabbed some shopping and cupcakes afterwards too). Not too excited about having to pump, but I was willing to deal with it. I was  a little worried about whether or not he'd have enough food, but we over-packed because of this, so he had a lot of food! He did pretty well and when I called to check -in my mom immediately told me how sweet he was being that night. So I figured he was doing okay.

When I asked Paul if he missed Monroe he said he really missed snuggling him (we'd been away about 24 hours from him). Then he asked me and I honestly didn't miss  Monroe, and I wasn't stressed out about not being in control of everything he did. I knew he was safe (my mom has 3 kids under her belt and  my nanny has 4 including twins) so I knew they'd be very capable of handling him and he would be fine.

Now some people may think that this means I am having some sort of issues with my emotions or more ppd and require help with these things. Truth is that for me I was just glad to have a break, but as soon as he woke up and he made eye contact with my and broke out in his near-toothless grin, my heart melted just a bit.

somebody is 6 months old now

After thinking this through I've decided not to feel bad about the fact that I only called my mom to let her know we'd be a bit late, not to double and triple check on Monroe. I feel this pressure from society that I should feel this pull and angst while I am away from my babe, the truth is as long as he is safe and loved and well taken care of I am not worried about it. What would worry do for me?

So it was a lovely visit with my bests and snuggling Monroe afterwards made me as content as ever and reinforced that it is indeed okay to not be petrified every moment I am away from him. He'll be okay. Now if someone else had been babysitting it could be a whole other story.

How to make a sleep sack

So Monroe has started rolling around and wedging himself sideways at the top of his crib sans covers.

So it is time for a sleep sack. All the ones I've seen have some issues for me such as:

1. kind of ugly
2. too small/short (a friend gave us one this week and he's been rocking it pink and all, but he's about to be too long for it)
3. Cute ones are $$$ and my mat leave is running out soon ( we only got 6 months due to some backwards government ideals)

So I had some fabric on hand, I own a sewing machine and I had some thread and a big bag of buttons from your local walmart for $3 to make this for Monroe. (I think it total this cost me around $4 to make, because I had the fabric on hand)

If you want to make one here is a tutorial coming atcha.

Things you'll need:
-sewing machine
-thread
-straight pins
-fabric scissors,  (you can use good old kitchen scissors, but they will not cut as nicely as ones solely used for fabric)
-sewing needle (if you want to hand stitch the button holes closed)
-heavier fabric (I used two fabric, a sweatshirt type fabric and another one I had kicking around and lined mine, but you don't have to if you don't feel like it!)
-2 small buttons if you're doing some type of applique (I did an owl, this adds a lot of time to this project about an hour more for this applique)
-2 BIG buttons, for strapping your little one in
-and an iron & ironing board (or do what I did and use a hair straightener, it is the modern day iron)
-measuring tape if needed ( I just eye balled it, then measured after)
-a little common sense

Steps:
Fold 4 layers of fabric in half each piece measuring a minimum of  28" long and 22" wide.
Layer  and pin with straight pins together and then draw on your outline. (measurements in photo below, shown unfolded, when cutting fold in half to make sure each side is equal so across the arm holes the measurement should be approx. 8.5"  and across the bottom it should be approx. 11" )

 Example of the first 2 layers, add in your lining layer of fabric ( 2 more layers folded in half), if you're doing one

 Approximate measurements (and a spelling mistake! Click on the picture to see the measurements in a bigger size)

 All 4 layers cut and pinned together

 Make sure the good side of the outer fabric is against the good side of the inner fabric lining

 Sew 1 layer of the outside and 1 layer of the lining together from the bottom of one armhole across the arm straps, neck hole and to the other armhole DO NOT sew the whole thing together or all the way around, just from one armhole across the top to the other

Repeat with your other two layers

 Make sure you sew both layers!

 Turn it inside out, and press flat with your iron

I wanted a little fun in our sleep sack so I made an owl appliqué, it total this took around 45 minutes-hour to make

OPTIONAL:

Owl Applique

 Draw a large circle on the bottom, and a smaller one on top, two big circles for eyes and a little beak, feet and ears and little wings off the sides of your bigger bottom circle

 wings and back of eyes cut out

 cut of wings to pin and cut out on a different colored fabric, then pin the body on your main fabric

 Body cut out

 Wings and beak pinned onto body, sew them on slowly using your sewing machine or by hand if you have more patience.

 I cut out some white to make the eyes pop and layered this behind the red eye cut out, then hand-stitched two different sized button eyes on

 I then cut out a big white fabric circle (used my lining remnants) just a bit bigger then my owl and stitched the main body of my owl on, leaving the wings and the little feet unsewn to the circle, but attached to the body. (I just freehanded the feet)

 I safety pinned the two sewn layers at the top of the arm straps to check sizing on monroe

 he's confused, but it fits

 decker trying to calm him down a little

 appliqué sewn onto the good side of one of the layers of outside fabric and lining ( I sewed it to the red layer, not the white)

 Now pin all 4 layers together with the two good outside (red) layers facing each other and your lining out on both sides

 I left my safety pins in the top, while I straight pinned all around the sides and bottom of the bag

ironed sewn top and rough side pieces being pinned together

Sew from the bottom of the armhole all the way down the side, around the bottom to the other armhole and the trim your excess. make sure you're getting all 4 layers when sewing it together!

 

Now for how you'll get the babe to stay in there, the buttons

Sew your buttons by hand onto the top of your two frontside straps (same as your applique if you made one)

 I took a pencil and overlayed the back strap over the sewn on button, I marked the button size with a pencil line as a guide for where to cut

 

Folded the pencil line in half and cut to the size of the button

 Fit the button through, adjust sizing if need to be bigger (Always cut this smaller, then try fitting the button through and adjust

 Put your buttons through

 Now I handstitched the button holes to make sure that the fabric didn't rip later on, you could skip this step if needed

 Using red thread would've been better, but i was using what I had on hand

 Finished sleep sack showing button straps

Sleep sack flat out (buttons right at top)

6-12 months

In an attempt to beat the winter blues coupled with having a new babe, a friend and I joined a swimming class. This class is called babyfit and it is basically aquafit with your babe in the water with you.They heat that pool like you wouldn't believe for the little ones, and for the most part they seem to enjoy it.

Now this class is for an hour. Monroe has as of yet to make it past 30 minutes. He has been getting up after repeated snacks from me during the night, in the later morning (meaning he sleeps a later then 7 am, but gets up every 2-3-4 hours). So when I get him up for this swim class I am breaking some of my own rules, such as don't ever wake a sleeping babe.

For times sake though, I wait until the last possible moment to get him up (the groggy snuggles I get are so freaking precious). We then rush through breastfeeding and today he had soaked through hid diaper, so I did not have quite enough time to fully change and feed him. So off we went in a flurry, we got in the water and he seemed to enjoy himself for about 20 minutes. Then I nursed him at the side of the pool on a bench they have. This totally calmed him down and we then tried rejoining the class but he was exhausted by this point, as of lately he's been able to stay awake for anywhere from 45-2 hours depending on who knows what so today well he was ready for a nap asap. So we went into the baby pool and snuggled (its even warmer in there), while we waited for our friend and here babe to finish up the class and then we'd carpool back home.

Monroe in a size 6-12 month if you need to know :)

Last week and this week some of the other moms and their babes ended up with us in the little pool. Last week a mom inquired about Monroe's age, commented on his size and then questioned what size clothing he was fitting into and his weight. We survived, got through that and I figured this week maybe we could move on and small chat about something else. Oh no, not only did the same mom comment on how tiny he was yet again, she advised another mom of his size, age and weight and then they both talked about how sweet he was. I promptly got the heck out of that pool and went and had a nice warm shower with roe while we waited for our friend to be done with her little one.

What is it that makes us feel better about commenting on the size of a babe when ours differs? Her child was quite substantial in size and let me tell you I had NO URGE to say "Wow, what a Huge baby you've got." because nobody needs to hear that crap. As mothers we should encourage and support one another and really think through what we say to one another.

 If our babes are content and having their needs met what more can we do?

I am dreading next week and thinking we may just skip out on the after baby pool part and go have our own nice little warm shower. Instead of me leaving riled up and feeling like a failure for the third week in a row.

the good.

My husband mentioned to me that he felt that I should talk about the good of being a mom. I advised him I'd blog about what I felt and that this was my format for utter honesty. With that the truth is he is right in that in the few days since beginning this blog I've not mentioned too many of the good I've found in motherhood. So here are a few things I enjoy about being a mom:

I enjoy no longer being pregnant and being able to see my babe and make sure he is safe. Really. A lot. I was and am so utterly blessed to be able to carry a child to term and after suffering a miscarriage when I didn't realize I was pregnant (we'd been trying) I appreciate this even more. We are so BLESSED. I am just saying that I am not one of those I excel and love being pregnant ladies. I am thankful that I can get through it though, and there is no better feeling than those tiny first kicks.

I love snuggling him. I am a big hugger but not usually a big snuggler and having this tiny being who just wants to be with me makes me feel pretty freaking awesome. And I do let him nuzzle into my neck.

I love playing with him as he develops, his dexterity, his cognitive abilities are amazing to see as they develop day by day. When one day he wakes up making new noises that I'd never heard from him before.

I enjoy the momships. The new friendships from my little babe. the comradeship of a nursing room with other moms and babes and the cocoon of understanding that you are accepted no questions asked into.

I love waking him up by saying good morning and seeing him raise his little head and tiny tuft of hair and smile when he makes eye contact with me.

I love watching Paul be a dad. it makes my heart melt a little every time roe finds him when he's home from work and a HUGE smile breaks out on both of their faces. Paul does not love slobber covered hands touching his face though :)

my boys on christmas morning

I love being a mom a lot of the time, but I find it trying too. I wouldn't change having my little man for anything and things have vastly improved from when he was a tiny newborn. its funny how you think that people are lying when they tell you it will improve, vastly. It really does though. I am excited to see what is to come <3

Why Blog?

I had a friend's mom inquire as to why I was blogging instead of just journaling privately. She asked in a way which mentioned perhaps a difference in age would be the reason she viewed this differently, but another friend very much my age seemed to agree with her.

Truth is I've never really thought about why I blog. I knew a girl who blogged very similarly to my pregnancy blog (I followed her example for the most part and I believe she followed the ideas of dooce for blogging about her pregnancy). This was the first blog of a friend I knew and read consistently, this was a few years ago now. Since then I've attempted and for short periods of time maintained varying blogs, one on just Paul and I, one on my photography, one on my pregnancy and babes new life and now one on my view as a mama.

I close the old ones when I feel I am done with them. This is kind of odd when I think about it, but as mentioned here I feel like I need a different platform for different topics. Maybe this is the way I try to compartmentalize my life? Who knows. I am sure there is some way to read into it, but I really don't have the time or care right now.

In the last few years I've seen so many different blogs pop up from friends and different people who I didn't know, but their blogs resounded with me, I felt like we had something in common or I was just interested in their views on whatever they were talking/blogging about ( Kelle Hampton, pregnant chicken, crunchy cursive, soaring, cherry apple and byle) to name a few.

So I guess that is why I started this blog, I decided to bare it all to share publicly about what I've been going through and I guess I was thinking that maybe it would resonate with someone else out there. If not at least I'll be able to look back and see what was going on in my life during the months following our lives changing in one of the biggest ways possible.

I was also asked why I didn't just attend a mom's group and talk about this stuff there. I do attend a mama's group once every 2 weeks and I try to meet up with other moms when I can. We live in a rural area though and getting out to these meetings and seeing other people can be very very hard. It can also be super easy, like when I invite someone over, this is my favorite, as Monroe gets to nap in his bed and I get to visit without having to drive the minimum 30 minutes up to and hour drive just to visit with someone. You tell me how often you'd feel like doing that drive with a babe who hates the car seat unless you leave at his nap-time, which can also be tough to plan.

Monroe & I @ Red Tent

Nonetheless, if I lived in a big city and had friends living on either side of me I'd most likely still be blogging. Because I want to, and if you disagree with the concept of blogging to share your thoughts with all, then I guess don't read them. For me I've decided to read them and share my own stuff. You may disagree, but then you don't have to read or blog. To each their own, the glory of this beautiful world we live in :)

I have the most beautiful /perfect /amazing ________(fill in the blank)

I hate when people use this phrase so loosely.

I try not to use it, I try not to say "I have the cutest son in the world". People may say to me you have the most adorable baby and the world and I will not disagree ( : ) ). But I will not post it as a status update, or as a small little jab at how much of a superior mother I am because my baby slept for hours at night when he was _____ weeks old. Or how much he weighs now at whatever age, and oh your baby weighs how much?

I hate mompetitiveness.

Now a situation arose where I made an offhand comment during a rather awkward conversation, which someone stupidly thought should be repeated to another party(this is the worst idea ever,if someone ever makes a stupid statement as we've all done, do not pass it along to someone else). Which was ridiculous and silly as I really do try not to say crap like that, but umm newsflash I am not perfect. But why the heck would we 1. say crap like that? And 2. WHO would pass that along to another mom?

I think that we've all said stuff like this. Maybe not about a specific person or situation. I'd love to hear one comment from anyone in God's green earth who has not ever said "I have the most amazing/cutest/perfect/blah blah blah _____________(fill in the blank).  Lack of comments roll in because WE have all said it or typed it out.

Why do we do it? Why do we say stuff like that when it will really only make others feel insufficient. Congrats you're 1 week-old sleeps 8 hours a night and sleeps for 4 hours at a time during the day. Here's your fabulous mom award for creating a great sleeper. I'll go slit my wrists as I wake up every 1.5 to 2 hours ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. (not literally people, although I jokingly said something along those lines when a pregnancy test was done about 2months ago. Don't joke about that stuff with new residents, they're a little high strung) and feel like an utter mom failure again.

Or wait I have an idea. Let's start a movement. Everybody talk about how perfect your baby is for your family, not how perfect it is compared to every else's. Don't talk about how well your babe sleeps unless you have a solid tip to give me to make mine sleep better. Otherwise, yours is sleeping fine and therefore you deserve no bragging rights in the discussion about sleepless nights. Seriously.

And yes you have the perfect husband/boyfriend/partner/baby/infant/child/dog/unicorn. For you. You chose them so I sure as heck hope they're a pretty good fit for you. I also have the perfect husband for me. I have the most amazing son for my life. My vicious wiener dog is up there too, in my list of good things.

So can we all agree to just support one another in our perfect family and stop with the competitive statements?

I vow to try my freaking hardest.

Something that matters

my roe roe aka monroe

I want to be there for him and snuggle him when he gets hurt and kiss his boo-boos better. Ideal mama would love every minute with her babe right? Because they go by too fast? As everyone tells you.

Let me just say that I find it hard to believe that my roe will be 6 months old in a little under 2 weeks. That when people told me it would go quickly I smiled and thought "How the heck can this go any slower? How can I make it go quicker? Can't we fast forward to fully potty trained and speaking and then slow down?".  I am glad that I've gotten to spend this time with him while he grew and developed and became a whole heck of a lot funner lately.

I can't really say its gone quickly.

What I will say is that its been different, amazing, different, hard, different and trying.

My marriage, my motherhoodness and my sanity all seemed to be in the shredder about 3 months ago. My Grandpa died very very unexpectedly at 65, Paul had 3 business trips planned (and 2 4-wheeler weekends? Not happening the 2nd time around), I lived 3 hours from my mom and 2 from my friends, which is a constant but I am trying to paint you a picture here okay?

I thought that the foundation of our marriage, our 5 year plan of action would really help us adjust to having a babe. Nothing, no matter how much time you have can prep you for the babe's arrival. We had a year where we lived apart from one another while I worked 2 hours away m-f and came home on weekends (sidenote: DO NOT ever do this, live in a cardboard box if needed, your marriage is worth it) and we got through that so no little babe was going to cause a marital issue, right? RIGHT?

Wrong.

You know that little old couple you see holding hands, and think hey we'll always be like that? There's no one to hold hands with when you're both stumbling around in your zombie stupor from lack of sleep and rotating naps with who's turn it is to rock the screaming mound of flesh.  You stop snuggling and talking, really any communication is over. Those weeks of recovery don't exactly meet a boys needs and speaking on a new mama's behalf I did not want to hold hands let alone anything else. I wanted time to myself. I wanted to be selfish, and that option is gone once you give birth.

I remember breaking down while driving Paul to the airport for a business trip and asking what happened to us. So we fought. Hard. Like put your big girl panties on because this is gonna be a drawn out, bare it all, fight tooth and nail for it kind of fight. We went out and celebrated our 5 year anniversary 2 months late. We made a commitment to each other, we talked. We luckily figured out a sleep routine that works sometimes for our babe and that really works for us in that almost every night we stay up past when he goes down and talk and snuggle and just be with only each other. This doesn't really meet the sleep need, but hey something had to give right? We laugh again, we joke and we find time for one another.

Tuesday night I sorted it out last minute to head to Toronto for dinner at a burger place (Paul loves him a good burger and these were great, go there if you get a chance, I got the crazy burger) for Paul's 31st, it'd been almost 2 weeks before, but hey you adjust to your situations, like we've been learning you don't just give up on them.

I remember right before Christmas laughing with Paul on a weekend (glorious weekends) and him telling me how happy he was to have his wife back. I was never gone, but we had to figure out how we fit our little guy into our lives and maintain our marriage. How our life could not revolve around this child, but rather encompass him into our lives. Does that make any sense? Meh I know what  I meant.

Oh yea so back to the original concept of this entry... ummm time. Right.

These months have not been quick, but they've been an amazing time of growth, Monroe has grown into a little man on the verge of sitting up on his own. I've grown into my concept of a mama. Paul into a dad and us into a family. I wouldn't change it for anything, but I sure am glad to be moving on to our next chapter.

date night at craft burger

Stuck in the middle with you

I failed as a mom.

Or so I felt.

I had PPD and often contemplated getting hurt on purpose, not to die but simply to get to go stay in the hospital where no one would be pawning me to be fed and asking me to change bums while trying to recover from giving birth. No I did not have a c-section but I needed to heal. I needed some time.

Things improved slowly. Weepiness can still hit and a feeling of failure is just looming around that corner.

I attended a mama's group called red tent and still do every other Friday. I loved hearing about everyone's birth's but throughout could not help feeling like a failure for getting an epidural, for not allowing my son a natural birth. For not being strong enough to give him the best entry into this world that he deserved. Why couldn't I do it if everyone else could?

I also felt like a homeopathic failure. I forgot to take the remedies I was given and one night when nothing else was working gave my son GASP. tylenol.

I felt like I was not good enough to be a natural mama but not quite into the mainstream views of a lot of others.

Isn't it funny how when we think that we're offering support we're really degrading one another as mama's?
How when you tell me about your glorious hear-me-roar-I-am-mother-goddess home birth story I feel like I failed. How when you tell me my son looks like he is 4 months old and he is indeed bordering on 6 months of age and inquire about his clothing sizes you demean me and my full-time commitment to breastfeeding.

Oh and the pressure of breast-feeding. Monroe (the babe) has as of yet to have formula, ever. I am so scared that if word got out that I'd given him some because pumping is causing way too much mother freaking stress and I needed to go to work that one night that I'd be kicked out of my supportive group of mama's.

 I identify that this is indeed ridiculous. As one friend pointed out, in 18 years Monroe won't care if he had formula or not. But I will. I feel like I will be a failure as a mother, and I couldn't have my ideal all natural birth so I need to make up for it by stressing myself to the max and attempting to pump my sore tired breasts.

So these are my mama inadequacies up to date. My regrets and my mothering attempts will ensue, failures, strives and successes. I am not having a pity party, just putting it out there. This is how I feel, and I don't really care what you think about how I FEEL.

I just wanted to let any other mama maybe feeling stuck in the middle of these 2 worlds of parenting that you are indeed not alone. I am here stuck in the middle with you.

My unedited view of my Birth

So I told me birth story here. It was an edited version very family appropriate and did not contain too much detail if you will.

After nearly 6 months of thinking it over I really want to delve into how I feel about my birth experience. The pressure I felt from 2 very different view points that forced me to feel I lost my own opinion and simply merged what I wanted to happen into someone else's view.

I had some serious health concerns during my third trimester. Excruciating pain, coupled with fever. It sucked, blah blah blah and I had a transfer of care completed from my team of midwives to an OB. I was scared. At one point when I asked about the option of pursuing a natural childbirth, the OB advised me that I'd be begging for an epidural. Thanks, super encouraging. I was also advised at 35 weeks to be ready for my baby to be born at any time due to dropping amniotic fluid and a possibility of stillbirth. To which I suggested they simply do a c-section to get my tiny man out, I could feel him kicking, so I was sure he'd be able to cope with being born a few weeks early. Luckily the amniotic fluid went up and I was advised he'd probably be fine. Probably.

At this point I'd been seeing a homeopath, acupuncturist, chiropractor, OB and midwife for about a month anywhere from weekly to multiple times a week. I was trying to do everything that I could to make the right healthy choice for my unborn babe. Feeling pressure beyond belief.

An induction was scheduled and attempted at 37 weeks as I'd been on non-stop antibiotics and repeated rounds of morphine to t3's to extra-strength tylenol. This induction was horrible. I went into the hospital anxious and excited and ready to meet my little. Then I spent 36 hours being poked and prodded by the OB's on staff at the hospital with cervidil and finally advised to go home and maybe we'd try again next week. What ensued was a sudden unwarned stretch and sweep at the OB's office to which I screamed out in pain (sorry if you were in the waiting room) and then advised we could maybe try another induction.

Pause. I am very lucky that my OB did not suggest a C-section following the failed induction, one point for him.

That week we tried another induction with a cervical balloon. They put it in which hurt, like a nonstop pap, you know that few seconds of pain, imagine that continually (if you're a boy, it just freaking hurt). We were told it should subside, so we decided to head home. We drove the 30 minutes home, stood in a hot shower with much grunting and moaning, we finally realized that the hot water would indeed run out. So back into the car for another 30 minutes drive back to the hospital. Where I almost laid across the desk on the maternity floor and almost begged someone to take out the balloon. They took it out quickly and we were advised it had worked, I was now 2 cm dilated. So I rested that night and got ready for the next morning's scheduled induction.

Thursday morning. Doctor comes in at roughly 9:30 am. I am in the bathroom going pee but feel utterly rushed to meet the OB's timing needs of breaking my water because if I don't jump off the toilet at that moment, he may leave and that would delay everybody. No pressure or rush though right? So off the toilet I jump, onto the bed and my water is promptly broken. Weirdest feeling ever. I ask about being able to labor on my own without having pitocin through an IV. Promptly advised by the OB that he used to let women try to do that, but they always ended up on pitocin, so now he didn't give that option. Start pitocin at 2ml/upped by 2ml every half hour.

Thinking back...WHAT? Why didn't I speak up more or say that I wanted it a certain way, or just give me an hour to try? Why didn't I fight, does this make me a bad mom?

So by 11:30am I am 4 cm dilated I was in pain (babe was posterior). I had been somewhat ready but it still shocks you a little, or a lot. Okay a lot! My doula and Paul got me onto the birthing ball, which was my only other option then laying on my back on the bed. The #1 worst way to give birth. I lasted 2 contractions on the birthing ball then demanded drugs. Due to the pitocin I was not allowed off of the fetal monitor, therefore could only move a foot from my bed, no walking around, no hot water no relief.

I asked my nurse about the option of morphine or demerol. She was quick to advise me that if I was in this much pain I'd better just take the epidural now, and the anesthesiologist was on the floor so I'd get it fast, I wouldn't have to wait for the regular up to an hour wait for it. This sounded terrific, of course if you tell me I can't handle it, and don't really even offer me any other option of pain relief I am going to take the one you offer. Enter horrible mother feeling.

Before This moment I'd fully planned on doing everything natural natural natural. We had a home waterbirth planned, we had the tub booked, we'd forewarned my parents. My dad and I had fought about it and not spoken for a few weeks over it. I was going to have me one of those I crouch down and the baby pops out kinda labors. I had a doula, I'd spoken to my acupuncturist about attending.

After adjusting to a completely upturned birth plan I'd hoped to try some pain management other than an epidural right off the bat, but felt that option was never really given. Why? Why didn't I fight for it? Because the idea in that moment of getting whatever I could ASAP was what seemed to matter most. Looking back I feel like I should have spoken up more.

Epidural in, relief from pain, luckily still some feeling of the contractions, so they upped the epidural and gave me a pump, not wanting to see pain from a laboring mama.

I was checked at 1 pm by the nurse I was at 4cm still. Checked at 3 pm and I was 10+ cm. Begin shaking and fretting. I was so overwhelmed when they told me I was ready. To me I'd been mentally preparing these last 9 months for a 24-48 hour labor. How could I be fully dilated in 5 hours?

I did the passive pushing my nurse recommended for about an hour. She then came in and told me that I was ready to start really pushing. I am so glad that my epidural had worn off slightly. I felt no pain but I did feel the urge to push. I was nervous of all of a sudden feeling pain so I inquired and our nurse told me it would be for the last 5 minutes of pushing.

So the pushing began at 4:30pm and for 37 minutes I pushed my little man out. I had one leg on my midwife, one leg on my nurse, one hand in my doula's and one hand in Paul's, with my mom beside him. I pushed quietly and felt every time I needed to push and somehow mustered up the energy to do it again and again. At one point our nurse advised me I could touch his head, his squishy moist head. Paul felt it as well and my mom got a good look (she has since then advised me that she need not look ever again in not so many words). Feeling his head right there almost out was so bizarre and exciting.

 Let me say how absolutely hilarious it is to me that I only saw my OB one time during my labor other than him breaking my water. When I felt the urge to do some of my last pushes I remember asking our nurse Joella when it would start hurting, she said if it wasn't already hurting, it wouldn't. The doctor then came in for my last 2 pushes and promptly demanded to know where his student was, the student I'd met and was fine with being there but I'd been asked about having a male student in the birth from the nurse just moments before and I knew the student I'd approved was a female so I said no. The nurse respected my wishes and did not admit the student, the doctor just brought her in after I had said NO. Luckily it was the student I knew and it worked out, but thanks for respecting my wishes?

The doctor literally grabbed my babe as he rushed out in one big push, that was his big part in it, breaking my water, starting pitocin, signing off on an epidural and catching my son oh and the one more push and out the placenta came.

The relief following the push was so immense. To have a screaming slimy baby placed on your chest in so utterly bizarre and surreal. I remember grabbing his hands and holding them, and looking into Paul's tearful eyes and then welling up in my own realization that I'd indeed done it. I'd given birth.

I'd wanted to see the placenta after, but it was quickly whisked away. The doctor allowed the student to stitch me without my consent. If ever somewhere needed a good stitching job it is in that moment. I guess he checked the stitches after because 20 minutes later he was the one doing something down there and the student was to his side.

Then everyone had something to do and finally they weighed my little and brought him back to attempt breastfeeding.

So overall did I have a happy healthy baby. Yes. Did I win that I am supernatural women medal, no. Did I feel somewhat like a mama failure. Not just yet.

The failure feeling was to come in the following weeks.

My real view

So I have a blog about my babe. About his month to month life and growth, and I did not feel that it was necessarily the proper format to address everything I'd love to address and question. That blog is his, about him and one day I'll take all those entries and stories and pictures and make him a little book and say this is how you grew up, this is how you became the man you are today.
I also needed a place to talk about being a mama, and a real view on it. Not the everything is perfect and fabulous and so easy. A Real View. So here goes.