I failed as a mom.
Or so I felt.
I had PPD and often contemplated getting hurt on purpose, not to die but simply to get to go stay in the hospital where no one would be pawning me to be fed and asking me to change bums while trying to recover from giving birth. No I did not have a c-section but I needed to heal. I needed some time.
Things improved slowly. Weepiness can still hit and a feeling of failure is just looming around that corner.
I attended a mama's group called red tent and still do every other Friday. I loved hearing about everyone's birth's but throughout could not help feeling like a failure for getting an epidural, for not allowing my son a natural birth. For not being strong enough to give him the best entry into this world that he deserved. Why couldn't I do it if everyone else could?
I also felt like a homeopathic failure. I forgot to take the remedies I was given and one night when nothing else was working gave my son GASP. tylenol.
I felt like I was not good enough to be a natural mama but not quite into the mainstream views of a lot of others.
Isn't it funny how when we think that we're offering support we're really degrading one another as mama's?
How when you tell me about your glorious hear-me-roar-I-am-mother-goddess home birth story I feel like I failed. How when you tell me my son looks like he is 4 months old and he is indeed bordering on 6 months of age and inquire about his clothing sizes you demean me and my full-time commitment to breastfeeding.
Oh and the pressure of breast-feeding. Monroe (the babe) has as of yet to have formula, ever. I am so scared that if word got out that I'd given him some because pumping is causing way too much mother freaking stress and I needed to go to work that one night that I'd be kicked out of my supportive group of mama's.
I identify that this is indeed ridiculous. As one friend pointed out, in 18 years Monroe won't care if he had formula or not. But I will. I feel like I will be a failure as a mother, and I couldn't have my ideal all natural birth so I need to make up for it by stressing myself to the max and attempting to pump my sore tired breasts.
So these are my mama inadequacies up to date. My regrets and my mothering attempts will ensue, failures, strives and successes. I am not having a pity party, just putting it out there. This is how I feel, and I don't really care what you think about how I FEEL.
I just wanted to let any other mama maybe feeling stuck in the middle of these 2 worlds of parenting that you are indeed not alone. I am here stuck in the middle with you.
I am crying here reading. You are SO NOT ALONE! No one else is talking about it. I seem like I have it all together, but it just looks like that for the 2 hours I am out of the house.
ReplyDelete-my first birth I had an epidural, my babe was in the NICU, I vaccinated him, I gave him LOTS of tylenol, I cried all one night as I searched the internet at 3am trying to figure out how to sterilize bottles while my babe screamed his head off, breastfeeding was painful and SUCKED, I was told my MANY to give him formula as he was in the 2% for weight (he is not 4.5 and he wears a 3T). I yelled I cried and sometimes I left him in the crib screaming as I had to run away and have a shower hoping I wouldn't hear his screams over the running water.
I too sat at Red Tent hearing everyones "amazing home birth stories" wanting one so bad.
-I still did it all over again. She was my healing birth, but not my healing baby experience. She screamed for 4 months, I screamed at my 3 years old, I thought if I just drive the car into the ditch do you think I would be hurt enough to stay in the hospital but not enough to serious hurt myself. When she was 11 months old, I got serious mastitis and had to have surgery. People helped for a few days then I was left sore, ill and still having to do it. It didn't make things better, worse really. So I scrapped that idea from my head.
- I am still doing it a third time. Yes, the word you are looking for is CRAZY!
-My house is a MESS, I yell a lot, I cry a lot, they go in timeout a lot.
but I am surviving. Not with a lot of grace, but everyone is still alive.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
thank-you
ReplyDeletebrandy ,
ReplyDeletei just want to give you a huge hug! reading this, i remember feeling that way many times over the first year Noah was alive. Constantly second guessing myself and feeling like a failure for things like giving him formula at 5 months b/c i didn't want to nurse in my wedding dress two months later, or letting him cry it out before i knew there were better options.
but instead of beating myself up about it, i turned it around. I became proud of myself for the 5 months i was able to breastfeed him and vowed to try harder next time (made it to 7 months with Liam...would have made it further but getting pregnant again dried me up, so i really can't be made about that) I look at each day i gave him as a gift and then after that i was still nourishing him and meeting his needs, just in a new way. we were still able to cuddle and be close to eachother. Just because someeone else COULD feed him now didn't mean they had to.
I look at mothering the same way i do dieting...crash diets don't work and neither does crash mothering. We do the best we can for us and our babies. If going out for the night alone means you're less stressed, it means you'll be a better mum at those 3 am feedings b/c you won't feel so mentally drained. I'm all for giving homeopathic medicines a try, and they're always my first resort for the boys when something is wrong. But sometimes modern medicine just works faster and better and then there is piece for all...and maybe a nap :)
Remember you are a mum and mum's are real life human beings to. We're not much different from the girls sitting in a high school math class together. we might be married and have a learned a few more things since graduation, but we still need our sleep and maybe a little ice cream now and then. Before we know it our boys will be off to kindergarten and we'll wonder where the time went and we'll have all the time in the world to do laundry (and then we'll wonder why we were so worried about getting it done in the first place lol)
as you said, you are not alone! we're all hear for you no matter how you chose to raise Monroe, because you've proven you are an amazing mother who only wants the best for him!
(wow long post! sorry!)