on mother's day

 So I just had my first mother's day. Second if you count the 26 week on my way to my last non-mama girl's trip to mexico pregnant mother's day last year.

Now I know there are those of you who rant about mother's day being a hallmark anniversary, well suck it up, it is supposed to be a nice day to love on your mama a little bit more then usual.

There was a blog link I saw on a friend's wall today regarding mother's day. It is a bit of a realistic view of mother's day and I couldn't help but feel the urge to recant my first mother's day in detail, basically I would have to agree with mother's day being a bit of a let down. Kind of like new years, except for the first time this past year I had a really good new years, so maybe we'll improve from here....

So Saturday night we get home after a games night with some friends and Paul advises me that he is going to head out to buy me breakfast in the morning. To which I reply no. (we really only have a mcd's for breakfast, please not on mother's day?).

Come Sunday morning. He gets up at 7:30 am to do some mother's day stuff (turns out he was making home made cards-cute, but I also know this is because he forgot about them the rest of the week, at one point asking why I'd only given him a weeks notice? to which I responded, really? No calendar around you?). So he is card making, then roe roe wakes up, that crazy scream of a wake-up. To which Paul gets him and then places him in bed with me, where he drinks his bottle and stares/grabs at me. Paul then comes in and gets him and puts him in an exersaucer. At 9 am ish I get up after not having fallen back asleep and then Paul asks me for my recipe for french toast; I write it down and then get asked a bunch of questions regarding how to make french toast. (really? I've created a monster by baking/cooking everything for him for the last 6 ish years). I then curl up on the couch and read my cards from both of my boys.

Then we sit down to breakfast with the realization that in order to make it to church roughly on time (approx 20 minutes late) we had to mow down our food and get ready ASAP. Get roe ready get showered, get dressed, running, go go go. In the midst Paul lets me know that he got a ring I was recently given by my great-grandmother resized (sweet), but that I won't be getting it until this Friday.

made it to church 20 minutes late. Roe to the nursery-for 1/2 the service, great speaking (go becky!) and mum flowers for all the ladies. Then we get roe from the nursery where our fabulous nursery workers made me a cute picture and word holder with a picture of him in it for me.

Then we're off to Hamilton. Yes. A 2 hours drive. Wait for it, with a 2.5 hour stop for a business meeting of Paul's. yay. You try entertaining a 9 month old in a car for 2.5 hours. Sounds fab huh?

Then to our nephew's 2 and 6th birthday party combined, where I was given a huge planter of flowers from my bil and sil. Then we ate the cake and opened the gifts.

Then a 2 hour drive home and in bed by midnight. Happy mother's day.

Next year I am going to skip church and go out on my boat, maybe alone, with a book. yes.

Not a horrible day, but nothing out of the ordinary by any stretch.

not enough

that is what I feel like right now, just not enough.

I know that you're already judging, jumping to conclusions and assumptions about your thoughts on my previous posts. Well keep them to yourself, because this is a place for me to write about how I FEEL as I go through MY own experience at becoming a mother. Now if you weren't judging, that is nice and I appreciate that.

So Monroe is just past 9 months old, and he has refused to nurse since friday-it is now thursday, the pump and I have become re-acquainted. Truly Monroe had one day about  a month ago where he refused to nurse completely, the next day I did some limiting of fluids and he went back to nursing for very very short periods of time ranging from 1-3x's per day. Then on easter weekend he did an overnight and refused to nurse before being gone form me for 24 hours. We went through 3 days of him refusing, then back on then he did another overnight away at the cottage with paul. Since then he screams and turns aggressively from me. Screaming when the breast is presented. A real calm and bonding time huh?

You see I hated nursing at the beginning, monroe was a huge cluster feeder and this mama was tired, now I enjoy it and was really starting to love those bonding times, I was getting what everyone was so excited about about nursing. Then he stopped. I wish I'd known the last time he was going to nurse was the last, I might've cherished it a bit more. What if he hadn't gone away on that overnight?

I know you're thinking big whopp-di-do. Well this is MY blog and this makes me very sad. You see I felt like I couldn't give my babe the entry into this world that i felt he deserved, the all natural woman hear me roar one. So I though at least he nurses well, and we're gonna do this for at least a year. AT LEAST. Well we're 2.5 months shy and I feel like crap for once again not meeting one of the goals of motherhood that I'd set out. I can't think of another thing offhand where we set such huge expectations for our bodies (based on another person's participation as well) and even when we do great and give them the best of everything you can;t make them do this.

I feel very conflicted as some people say that the babe attempting to wean at this age is normal, others say it is not actual weaning but a 'false' wean that we moms need to drudge through.

I am going to keep on trying and I don't know what the outcome will be. I've been in contact with dr. jack newman (breastfeeding guru) and he's recommended no more bottle and an open cup instead. day one of that and it is proving to be difficult, frustrating, messy and time consuming. Other have recommended just appreciating that this chapter is closed and that we got this far. I don't even know how to feel/cope right now.

And to those of you saying big deal, why is she so upset? Well I can't explain it any better and I'd rather not hear your judgement on the topic.

familia

Family, what does that mean to you?

Prior to having our own babe I labelled Paul and I as a family, a 2 unit family with the hopes of expanding one day.

Our extended family at one point in our lives focused a lot on our friends, we had some amazing friends back then. Then one day we realized that we were neglecting our blood family, that because at times situations could be awkward, conversation strained and we thought about the fun and memories that we'd make with our 'friend' family vs. the real thing. It's true what whomever says about blood being thicker then water, and that you can't choose your family....

Don't get me wrong, Monroe has some amazing honorary aunties and uncles. T&N are in charge of Monroe should anything happen to us, friends who truly would honor our decisions in the way we'd like roe to be raised and will make sure he still gets to see his family (our parents, grandparents, aunties uncles etc.). There are also those friends who we thought would always be there that are no longer in our lives, because friendships can wean and wither down to nothing (or be brought to an awkward abrupt end).

Our family is interesting and loves us like no other could. And therefore loves our offspring. We started making a much larger effort to attend functions and make sure that family comes first, even when it means driving 3 hours each way in one day, we'll do it, me a bit begrudgingly-that's what happens when you don't have a babe who excels in the car, Paul all happy and excited. We've tried, but there are times when things happen and you still wish you'd tried a little harder. My grandpa passing away suddenly and unexpectedly at 65 this past fall was a shock and made me realize how very precious life is and how much I treasured my grandpa.

So go out and love on your family this weekend, hug that awkward cousin. Engage in conversation with your grandparent even when you're not sure if they're hearing you or just nodding in agreement to what you're saying because they can't truly hear you.

lunch this past sunday with my zaidie, lori & my dad 

that's what it was!

These past few weeks have been a bit crazy to say the least. Monroe was not himself and had a medley of symptoms. We thought it was teething. Turns out it wasn't. Eventually (after 2 weeks) we headed to our doctors office where we saw a nurse practitioner one day, and then 2 days later a covering doctor. The nurse practitioner diagnosed Monroe as having an upper respiratory infection and possibly an ear infection, she mentioned a possible chest x-ray but thought it was very unlikely that he had pneumonia.

Then we weighed him, dun dun dun. Honestly I've been putting off weighing him again it makes me feel like #$%@$%^ when he gets weighed and things are not where the doctor thinks it should be. Maybe it shouldn't make me feel like this, but how does it not? I am the one feeding him, making his food, deciding on his portion size etc etc. I may be sensitive about it, but I want to provide the best for my son, for my family.

But let's be honest mama's, everyone has one thing (at least) that they feel like they aren't doing up to someone's standard.

So his weight, on the first appt he'd gained about  8 grams in the last 7 weeks. Then 2 days later he'd dropped 10 ounces. Big weight to be losing on his little frame. At his second appt the doctor thought he didn't have an ear infection and that his chest sounded absolutely clear and that he just had a cold.

So we booked an appt a week later to check in with our regular doctor on Monroe's weight. He had seemed to be markedly better in the few days leading up to this appt. Then on the morning of the appt, Monroe woke up  with a fever of 102* and nursed for about a minute, then just wanted to be rocked back to sleep. He woke up again and nursed for a very short time, then could keep nothing down. Then off we went to our appt. Once there and after going over everything our doctor requested we complete a chest x-ray as we were going on week 4 of him being sick.

Sidenote: Baby chest x-ray. Horrible. (google image result) mama cried, roe barely fit into the tube like torture device etc etc.

The fabulous x-ray technician hinted that I should go right back to see my doctor  (she may have mentioned pneumonia). So we did just this and I was advised that Monroe indeed had pneumonia. We left with a prescription for banana medicine, which he thankfully takes pretty easily and we are now housebound for at least the next week. With a follow-up appt next week and another x-ray in a month-which Paul is holding his hand for.

The good in all this is that this explains Monroe's rapid weight loss and his random fevers he's been having. The doctor is no longer so very concerned about his weight and we hope that after this he chunks up. If not though he has his father's genes (which are pretty good ones I must say) of lovely leanness.

So good luck to going stir crazy all week to me.
Thats the excitement in our lives right now.
g'night.

Sans.

I met the newest little sweetheart today, her name is Rae and she is gorgeous, and so snuggly and just over 14 days old. I get what makes women do this pregnancy/birth/newborn/infant thing over and over again. I do.

Today I also got a solo day, one where I drove alone, and almost went into the customary carpool lane, then realized roe wasn't there. I listened to music, and then didn't. I then listened to silence glorious silence. I ran into a local fav restaurant in our old city (pho dau bo, we liked to say it was a-pho-da-bo get it affordable?) to get pick-up for the new mamas. alone.

After some lovely snuggles and discussion surrounding why midwives feel the need to recommend supplementing when a baby drops weight promptly after you give birth. Roe dropped at least 10% and we were prompted to give him formula, had I not been a bit stubborn and stood up for myself I could have easily been bullied into believing that I was doing something wrong. What is with our society and the need to not allow nature to runs its absolutely natural course? rant rant rant.

This was followed by hot drinks and dessert with my oldest and very dear friend my jb and good conversation.

I then headed home and was excited to see my boys, who were both exhausted after daddy decided to take them on a 3 hour lakeside hike this afternoon ( I think he's trying to one-up me). I love knowing that Paul can step up, he even said to me that he'd expected me a bit later and that I would have stayed for dinner with jb and ange who was supposed to show up later. But my obviously dying cell phone battery made me feel getting home would be best as I had no communication available to discuss dinner with him.

I love only being a little worried about roe not getting attached to a bottle. That was my biggest concern of the day. Because Paul is a great husband and father to me and my roe.

I guess I don't really have a point other then make sure you choose a good parent partner in your life. If you don't it's going to be tougher than it might otherwise be. You'll get through it I am sure, but having someone who gets you and your ideals and cares enough to ask about how to mix the veggies with rice cereal in a specific way is awesome. Having a day off is amazing. Coming home stress free and refreshed is even better. That would not be possible with anyone else than my other half.

cheesy I know, but so very true.

ps. Monroe now has 4 teeth, two sweet little one and two huge top front ones. I hate these top ones, they stole my happy bay away for 2 weeks and counting. Whoever tells awful stories about teething, they're true. seriously.

Gorgeous day.

We are all so interconnected, if you're on the internet that is. My mil is afraid to purchase anything online or do online banking, she does have Facebook though, so there are some people out there who choose their ways to be connected.

Facebook, wow. I remember a friend in university telling me to sign up for it, and I did to be her 'friend'. I remember asking what the purpose was, and she replied it's just fun. I recall when I did sign up it was a lot more popular in the states then here in the northern america aka Canada, and that I had about 2 friends who were using it back then (circa 2006). 

Sidenote : I just realized Facebook has been added to the dictionary whilst typing, only if capitalized. 

Since I began using Facebook it has grown, as I am sure you've noticed into this huge thing. I can state that I've lost some friendships over Facebook, found and strengthened others that might not have had that opportunity otherwise. The ones that are lost are hard, was it that we communicated too much, knew too much about one another? Who the heck knows. I have had the opportunity to complete many many more weddings shooting photos, due in most part to the accessibility, recommendations and connections of Facebook ( purple umbrella :).

As a new mama it has been super helpful for me just to not feel so freaking stir crazy and feel somewhat in touch with my old friends, new ones and their everyday lives. I can't leave my home to be there with them, so it is nice to see what is going on in their world.

A few weeks ago now I saw a post someone had made on a friends wall-via the lovely newsfeed feature. This post turned out to be on someone's wall who had unfortunately just passed away after a long and difficult battle with cancer. She was 36, had a 7 year old and her life was still so young, so new. She had a lot of time to go. Then it was cut short, and now people were posting condolences via her Facebook page. So bizarre to me, this new way of mourning. 

What hit home in a huge way was that she was only roughly 10 years older then me and the subsequent slideshow of images that could be seen showed her loving her everyday beautiful life. Cottage pictures of her snuggling with her little one and just taking in her everyday life, treasuring every beautiful moment when she could have chosen a very different way to face her everyday life. She lived a lot in the time since her diagnosis and seized every freaking moment and turned it into a memory. I am sure there were moments of everything in between; But at least once a day she seized the beauty of her day and her family.

We have days that suck, that are hard. where babes don't sleep the night before and wake up screaming every 2 hours, nursing until you're dry then wanting a bottle as well, only to wake up 2 hours later to repeat (friday, saturday and sunday night). 

But the days are gorgeous, the days are beautiful. The smile that greets me in the morning from paul and from my roe (even tiny d), they're beautiful. The kiss I get every morning before paul heads off to work makes me feel loved and secure. The knowledge that every day is new and every day is a new opportunity, a new memory, a new secret moment that will never happen again. 

Monroe is 7 months old today, and my life has changed so very much and I am so thankful for the gorgeous, beautiful and handsome men in my lives, who amke my everyday more beautiful in the midst of all the crap. That one grin from ear to ear, that one hug can get me through, heck even those 5 hours of sleep can suffice.

Go find your gorgeous moment today.

little teeths

Monroe now has 2 sharp spiky front bottom teeth, and some swollen and menacing looking gums. This has caused some changes in him.

Very noticeable changes.

Now I know/knew that babes get cranky when there poor little gums are torn to shreds by their pushy teeth. I did not realize how much it can change me as a mama.

There was one night last week (maybe thursday or friday?) where Monroe woke up and screamed non-stop from 3 am-5 am. Eventually after lots of soothing we gave him some pain medicine and his daddy rocked him to sleep in the lazy boy. There were a few other nights that week with non-stop crying, screaming, bawling, that left both Paul & I questioning where his next tooth was, all this fuss must be over something right?

The thing is that teeth seem to be like much of the growth, physically, mentally, emotionally that we go through during our transition into parenthood. It hurts so much. Then it wanes and ceases all together, then flares up, then is a dull ache and so on and so forth. The teeth come down, shrink back up, break through, grow taller and longer.

Some days I feel like being a mother was/is my calling, my life's duty, my purpose. Truth be told some days I want to just be alone and sew or read or knit or some other activity I find relaxing (I am finding my outlets) and I feel like maybe this wasn't my calling.

A person I know was recently discussing with me how she did not feel quite right constantly at home with her children, nor was she content away working full-time. A part-time work schedule worked perfectly for her in her situation. I have yet another friend who stays home full time with her 2 little ones and she told me once that she doesn't ever want to look back and think about what she missed out on due to working, and that she'd never look back and think I shouldn't have stayed home with them. Everyone's view on motherhood and staying home vs. working is different. This leaves me a little confused as to what society think I should do. I know that this is a common issue for every mother out there, and I have no answers just typing out loud.

The thing about teeth, is you don't quite know what they'll end up looking like, will they need braces, fillings? Will they wear down with age, will they not show up until a year old +?

Teething this past week has been tough for my roe, growing as a mama has been tough this week too. I am starting to feel so "coming out the other side on a freaking rainbow" some days, and other days the sads seep in and I find myself feeling isolated and a little alone.


To me motherhood is not something that will pass quickly, that much like teething and something that will be shifted, molded and work on for years and years to come. I'll let you know how we make out :)